How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
