I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
