u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
