I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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