remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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