I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Randomize
