i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
