the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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