I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize