my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
