I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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