Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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