So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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