the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
