Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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