A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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