Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
