I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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