on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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