i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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