also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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