You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
