it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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