Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
