Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
my liver is dry heaving
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
