By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
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