We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
