I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
