I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
