dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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