I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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