For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
