how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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