I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We got so high we made milksteak
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
