farters have to be the big spoon...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
