Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize