This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
