I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
sex in a hospital.. check
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
