I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
