Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Who died my cat blue again?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize