I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
