I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
