So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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