Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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