saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
