thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize