Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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