Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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