my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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