I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
