i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
