Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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