When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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