I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I just put wine in my tea
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
