This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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