You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
