Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
