Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
